Berghain To Close For Entire Week Due To Clash With Romanian Festival

Berghain To Close For Entire Week Due To Clash With Romanian Festival


Legendary Berlin techno institution Berghain is set to close its doors for a full week due to a clash with new Romanian electronic music festival Interval 100.

Berghain, the hangout spot for Berlin’s moustached aristocracy and home of the low plunging black T-shirt, will shut its doors between the 27th November and and 2nd December, closing on consecutive Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights for the first time in over a decade.

After much deliberation we’ve decided that it is not a viable option to open while Interval 100 festival is running, claimed Berghain spokesperson Trent Muller via press release earlier. We’ve tried everything we could to keep the club open but there simply aren’t enough DJs in the world. The music runs consistently for the full one hundred hours of the festival so they’ve had to hire every DJ out there, even Tama Sumo, our Berghain resident is playing there.

We’ve spoke to a number of agencies and it seems that every credible DJ is either playing at or planning to attend the festival, continued Muller. The only DJs who were actually available were Calvin Harris, who would cost our entire year’s budget, Judge Jules, who wouldn’t get in with those stupid glasses, and Martin Garrix, whose fragile young mind would be completely destroyed by the carry on in our club so we had no option but to close.

It’s not fair, claimed Muller with a pout, but if you can’t beat’em, join’em. It’ll be nice to have a weekend off for a change and our entire crew are traveling to Bucharest to attend the festival. Luckily the city and tickets are so cheap that I’d probably spend more money working for the weekend than I will partying. My only concern is that without Berghain’s basement the city’s parks, car parks and bus shelters will be over run by lusty homosexuals with nowhere else to go, the more conservative people in the city should prepare themselves for public acts of man love that weekend.

According to experts, the Interval 100 DJ drought is spreading globally, with clubs as far afield as Paris, London and Tokyo said to be feeling the pinch.

London’s Fabric is another club ready to close its doors, We don’t get the chance to take weekends off very often, claimed bar manager Alan Pierce. Usually I’d go clubbing but that doesn’t seem to be an option this time round, I’ll probably just end up sitting at home watching live streams from the Romanian festival.

While in Paris, famous club Rex is set to temporarily open as a traditional French shrugging studio where people will go to practice their aloofness, smoking cigarettes, moping and disowning David Guetta.

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